24 August 2007
There's A Girl
There's a Girl that I know that's breaking me apart.

I've kept telling her to be quiet, to hush, that she isn't welcome in my life anymore, but she kept showing up on my doorstep. I've been ignoring her pounding and her pleading to let her in from the cold and rain, but now she's become crafty and has broken through the glass and unbolted the lock with her bruised and battered hands.

She's standing before me, wild-eyed, her chest heaving, her movements frantic, her voice haggard from the sobbing and screaming she's been doing for the past three years.

She's grabbing me by the shoulders and shaking me and refuses to let go until I hear her out. And two of the people that I love most in the world are standing behind her, nodding their heads, telling me that yes, I need to listen to her and then I need to put on my shoes and go with her.

"You have nothing to lose", they keep saying. "Go, go with her. We'll take care of what you have to leave in order to do it, but you need to go".

"But the pieces", I keep saying, "the pieces". The pieces of me that will be shattered into a million fragments if this doesn't end well, what will I do with them, I need them to exist and function and maintain.

"We'll pick them up", they reply, "But you have to do this and take this chance. Because if you don't, those pieces that you are so afraid of breaking, they are going to break little by little each day, and those shards, those will be the ones that kill you".

"Now go. Prepare yourself and start getting your things together and go with this Girl".

And this Girl, this Girl standing in front of me, eyes pleading and hand outstretched; I'm reaching out to the mirror before me and I'm taking her hand.

And this Girl and I, we are going to be running. Running to a church that as of today is 36 days of travel ahead of us, where the Boy is also journeying to. And we're going to somehow find him before he arrives there, and we are going to tell him things that have gone unsaid for too long and we are going to take our mutual heart in our trembling hands and place it before him and tell him it was his all along.

And we're going to beg him not to go into that church where he's planning to marry someone else and beg him to choose us, his former best friend and his daughter instead.

And no matter how it ends, absolutely no matter how it ends, Girl and I will know that we've done all that we could. And Girl promises that once she's secure in this knowledge, she'll leave me alone.

"But I might miss you," I said, "if you leave".

"I've been leaving all along", she said, "and I'm ready for this goodbye. And so are you".

So, at some point within the next weeks that pass, Girl and I are going to walk out my broken front door together and go to the place that scares me the most in this world.

And only one of us is coming back.
43 Comments:
Blogger FENICLE said...
Oh my...this is powerful. I'm not even sure I have the words to reply to this. My heart aches....

Blogger Janet said...
Jenn, you are a determnined, brave soul.

Thinking of you and wishing you (and The Girl) safe travels.

Blogger T with Honey said...
If you feel that strongly, still wondering what if then you've got to go. No regrets. No doubts. No more wondering.
Once again my prayers will be with you. Stay strong.

Blogger Bean said...
Stay strong. You know in your heart what you need to do - do it & finally move forward in your life. You deserve happiness.

Blogger JustMe said...
And remember...some things are just meant to be. And some aren't. And you have to be prepared to embrace that -- no matter how much it scares you. There's no going back.

Blogger slouching mom said...
Good for you.

You are courageous, so very courageous.

Blogger Amy York said...
You are brave and strong. Good luck to you on your journey. I hope the outcome gives you satisfaction, somehow.

Blogger flutter said...
Jenn.

Oh Jenn. You are profound, not because of this Girl, but because of your willingness to listen to her.

Your heart is right, even if his isn't. You beautiful thing...

Blogger bgirl said...
wow...i'm blown away. i had to re-read this. i have goosebumps.

i will be here waiting for the girl that is leaving only to return as the wonderful, brave woman she is.

b

Blogger Her Grace said...
Godspeed.

godspeed, sister. sometimes a girl has to do what she has to do.

Blogger NotAMeanGirl said...
I won't wish you luck, for luck will not help. I wish for you peace in your heart and mind ... no matter the outcome.

We're all walking beside you up to the church... if ya need a shove hollah!

Anonymous Major Bedhead said...
Wow. You are one brave, gutsy woman. I don't even know what to say - good luck? Sounds kind of lame. But I'm thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

Blogger Crow said...
Call me when you and the Girl have finished what you need to do. I will be there for you no matter what the outcome. I love you, and hope you can finally find some closure on this issue. One way or another.

Blogger Kelly said...
What flutter said is tremendous, 'your heart is right, even if his isn't.'

Take those words with you. Safe journey.

Blogger Christy said...
Wow, You are one incredible lady, with so much strength. I wish you luck on your journey.

Blogger luckyzmom said...
More than at any other time, I wish I had your eloquent way with words right now. You deserve more than this Boy who has betrayed and so deeply wounded you. He is not who you need him to be. He is not who you want him to be. He is not who you think he is.

Who is the adult here? Listen to Girl. Reassure Girl that you love her and will always be there for her. Calmly and reasonably explain to her that sometimes the things she wants are not good for her.

I've been where you are with my 14 month old daughter,when the song "Daddy Don't You Walk So Fast" was popular. After 36 years, the song still grips my heart when I think about that time. It took me 4 years to comfort the sobbing, screaming girl inside me, even longer to convince her that she is lovable and worthy of the very best in life.

I'll probably be tarred and feathered and thrown out of town for saying this.

Whatever, I pray for the best for you and all your girls.

Blogger mamalang said...
We'll all be cheering you on. Good luck. I hope that you either find the love you've been looking for, or are given some closure to go on and find that love. {{{{hugs}}}}

Blogger InTheFastLane said...
Hey, you faced down lumpy boobs...you can do this too.

Blogger Angela said...
Take care of yourself on your trip. I guess it is better to know then not to know.

Blogger Becc said...
Godspeed Baby! I am here for anything that you may need me to do and I am SO proud of you for this!

You deserve this Honey, no matter what the outcome.

Be strong.

Blogger canape said...
Best of luck and safe journey.

Blogger Lawyer Mama said...
Jenn, I completely understand this because it is what I would do too. You can't spend your life wondering "what if...?"

This was a powerful, moving post, my friend. Very powerful. And I'm sure I only felt a fraction of your love and passion through the words.

Do what you've got to do. Best of luck to you. No matter what happens, at least you'll know....

Blogger Jennifer said...
My heart is breaking for you (and I've been there). You must do what you feel you need to...but really and truly YOU DESERVE so much more. Godspeed.

Blogger jen said...
mother of god.

jenn, i love you. you go, girl. in the best and most powerful sort of way.

Blogger Christine said...
my kisses and love are being sent your way.

you are brave and strong. it is scary, but you can do it. we'll be here in the end no matter what.

Blogger KC said...
Wishing both girls strength to see this through. Your cheering squad is behind you. xo

Blogger Not a Princess said...
You literally took my breath away with this post. I was so lucky that I didn't love T or R's fathers (Yep, fathers - maybe I should be tramp mama). But if I had - I hope I'd have been as brave as you are. My thoughts and prayers will be with you. I hope the outcome brings you everything you deserve.

Blogger Oh, The Joys said...
Jenn!
This is one of the most powerful posts I have ever read.

So I'm all conflicted about the comment because I want to praise the writing like mad, but then, but then there's the subject too!!!

Go, run... say it all!

XO!!!

OTJ

Blogger justabeachkat said...
Jenn

I wish you the best. I really do. I'm fairly new to your blog, so I don't know the history, but I know you're hurting. Do what your heart tells you to do. Have no regrets. And then move on. With God's help, anything is possible.

Hugs!
Kat

Blogger Joy, of course said...
Oh Jenn-
I read this 3 times and I still don't know what to say to it. Just in reading it I feel vulnerable and scared..for you, and amazed at your determination and strength. I hope this brings you what you need, one way or the other.
You carry our hearts with you as you go.

Blogger Teryn said...
You're very brave -- I hope you find some peace.

Blogger Ally said...
Whoa. This gave me goosebumps and a knot in my stomach. I wish you godspeed on this journey.

Blogger Twisted Cinderella said...
What a moving and powerful piece!

Blogger Christine said...
Jenn, I am so glad you are doing this, my friend. You don't need to live with that what if.

Of course, there are other what if's...what if you find you don't want him after all, what if he goes to the store for milk one afternoon and again doesn't return and the Girl reappears, this time twice heartbroken, what if what if what if.

But I applaud your decision to get some answers. Stay strong, beautiful woman! You've an army of us out here supporting you...remember that.

Blogger carrie said...
Don't hold back.

Do what you gotta do and do it well.

Best of everything.

powerfully written. wishing you & the girl peace.

Blogger Tuesday Girl said...
Wow.
I wish you peace.

Blogger Sarah said...
I'm here. With no words. Just here.

Blogger Single Mom Seeking said...
Wow, wow, I found you through Sanity and the Solo Mom... and I'm so glad that I did. I'll be back for more. Thanks for the dose of honesty.

Blogger thailandchani said...
Wow... this is really beautiful.. and I get what you're saying. Perhaps more than might be immediately evident. :)


Peace,

~Chani
http://thailandgal.blogspot.com

Blogger Ruth Dynamite said...
I'm here via Jen at One Plus Two...

I hope you find the peace you seek. Best wishes.

Blogger Busy Momma said...
Oh my chest tightened more and more as I read this. The way you write is so beautiful and I feel like I could have written it myself (if I could write). I can feel myself in your shoes and I will walk with you on this scary journey. Love to you

Wordle: future