24 August 2007
There's A Girl
There's a Girl that I know that's breaking me apart.
I've kept telling her to be quiet, to hush, that she isn't welcome in my life anymore, but she kept showing up on my doorstep. I've been ignoring her pounding and her pleading to let her in from the cold and rain, but now she's become crafty and has broken through the glass and unbolted the lock with her bruised and battered hands.
She's standing before me, wild-eyed, her chest heaving, her movements frantic, her voice haggard from the sobbing and screaming she's been doing for the past three years.
She's grabbing me by the shoulders and shaking me and refuses to let go until I hear her out. And two of the people that I love most in the world are standing behind her, nodding their heads, telling me that yes, I need to listen to her and then I need to put on my shoes and go with her.
"You have nothing to lose", they keep saying. "Go, go with her. We'll take care of what you have to leave in order to do it, but you need to go".
"But the pieces", I keep saying, "the pieces". The pieces of me that will be shattered into a million fragments if this doesn't end well, what will I do with them, I need them to exist and function and maintain.
"We'll pick them up", they reply, "But you have to do this and take this chance. Because if you don't, those pieces that you are so afraid of breaking, they are going to break little by little each day, and those shards, those will be the ones that kill you".
"Now go. Prepare yourself and start getting your things together and go with this Girl".
And this Girl, this Girl standing in front of me, eyes pleading and hand outstretched; I'm reaching out to the mirror before me and I'm taking her hand.
And this Girl and I, we are going to be running. Running to a church that as of today is 36 days of travel ahead of us, where the Boy is also journeying to. And we're going to somehow find him before he arrives there, and we are going to tell him things that have gone unsaid for too long and we are going to take our mutual heart in our trembling hands and place it before him and tell him it was his all along.
And we're going to beg him not to go into that church where he's planning to marry someone else and beg him to choose us, his former best friend and his daughter instead.
And no matter how it ends, absolutely no matter how it ends, Girl and I will know that we've done all that we could. And Girl promises that once she's secure in this knowledge, she'll leave me alone.
"But I might miss you," I said, "if you leave".
"I've been leaving all along", she said, "and I'm ready for this goodbye. And so are you".
So, at some point within the next weeks that pass, Girl and I are going to walk out my broken front door together and go to the place that scares me the most in this world.
And only one of us is coming back.
I've kept telling her to be quiet, to hush, that she isn't welcome in my life anymore, but she kept showing up on my doorstep. I've been ignoring her pounding and her pleading to let her in from the cold and rain, but now she's become crafty and has broken through the glass and unbolted the lock with her bruised and battered hands.
She's standing before me, wild-eyed, her chest heaving, her movements frantic, her voice haggard from the sobbing and screaming she's been doing for the past three years.
She's grabbing me by the shoulders and shaking me and refuses to let go until I hear her out. And two of the people that I love most in the world are standing behind her, nodding their heads, telling me that yes, I need to listen to her and then I need to put on my shoes and go with her.
"You have nothing to lose", they keep saying. "Go, go with her. We'll take care of what you have to leave in order to do it, but you need to go".
"But the pieces", I keep saying, "the pieces". The pieces of me that will be shattered into a million fragments if this doesn't end well, what will I do with them, I need them to exist and function and maintain.
"We'll pick them up", they reply, "But you have to do this and take this chance. Because if you don't, those pieces that you are so afraid of breaking, they are going to break little by little each day, and those shards, those will be the ones that kill you".
"Now go. Prepare yourself and start getting your things together and go with this Girl".
And this Girl, this Girl standing in front of me, eyes pleading and hand outstretched; I'm reaching out to the mirror before me and I'm taking her hand.
And this Girl and I, we are going to be running. Running to a church that as of today is 36 days of travel ahead of us, where the Boy is also journeying to. And we're going to somehow find him before he arrives there, and we are going to tell him things that have gone unsaid for too long and we are going to take our mutual heart in our trembling hands and place it before him and tell him it was his all along.
And we're going to beg him not to go into that church where he's planning to marry someone else and beg him to choose us, his former best friend and his daughter instead.
And no matter how it ends, absolutely no matter how it ends, Girl and I will know that we've done all that we could. And Girl promises that once she's secure in this knowledge, she'll leave me alone.
"But I might miss you," I said, "if you leave".
"I've been leaving all along", she said, "and I'm ready for this goodbye. And so are you".
So, at some point within the next weeks that pass, Girl and I are going to walk out my broken front door together and go to the place that scares me the most in this world.
And only one of us is coming back.
43 Comments:
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Although these writings are created by a lowly servant, they still belong to me.
Please, don't take them,
or it's off with your head.
Although these writings are created by a lowly servant, they still belong to me.
Please, don't take them,
or it's off with your head.
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Thinking of you and wishing you (and The Girl) safe travels.
Once again my prayers will be with you. Stay strong.
You are courageous, so very courageous.
Oh Jenn. You are profound, not because of this Girl, but because of your willingness to listen to her.
Your heart is right, even if his isn't. You beautiful thing...
i will be here waiting for the girl that is leaving only to return as the wonderful, brave woman she is.
b
We're all walking beside you up to the church... if ya need a shove hollah!
Take those words with you. Safe journey.
Who is the adult here? Listen to Girl. Reassure Girl that you love her and will always be there for her. Calmly and reasonably explain to her that sometimes the things she wants are not good for her.
I've been where you are with my 14 month old daughter,when the song "Daddy Don't You Walk So Fast" was popular. After 36 years, the song still grips my heart when I think about that time. It took me 4 years to comfort the sobbing, screaming girl inside me, even longer to convince her that she is lovable and worthy of the very best in life.
I'll probably be tarred and feathered and thrown out of town for saying this.
Whatever, I pray for the best for you and all your girls.
You deserve this Honey, no matter what the outcome.
Be strong.
This was a powerful, moving post, my friend. Very powerful. And I'm sure I only felt a fraction of your love and passion through the words.
Do what you've got to do. Best of luck to you. No matter what happens, at least you'll know....
jenn, i love you. you go, girl. in the best and most powerful sort of way.
you are brave and strong. it is scary, but you can do it. we'll be here in the end no matter what.
This is one of the most powerful posts I have ever read.
So I'm all conflicted about the comment because I want to praise the writing like mad, but then, but then there's the subject too!!!
Go, run... say it all!
XO!!!
OTJ
I wish you the best. I really do. I'm fairly new to your blog, so I don't know the history, but I know you're hurting. Do what your heart tells you to do. Have no regrets. And then move on. With God's help, anything is possible.
Hugs!
Kat
I read this 3 times and I still don't know what to say to it. Just in reading it I feel vulnerable and scared..for you, and amazed at your determination and strength. I hope this brings you what you need, one way or the other.
You carry our hearts with you as you go.
Of course, there are other what if's...what if you find you don't want him after all, what if he goes to the store for milk one afternoon and again doesn't return and the Girl reappears, this time twice heartbroken, what if what if what if.
But I applaud your decision to get some answers. Stay strong, beautiful woman! You've an army of us out here supporting you...remember that.
Do what you gotta do and do it well.
Best of everything.
I wish you peace.
Peace,
~Chani
http://thailandgal.blogspot.com
I hope you find the peace you seek. Best wishes.