02 September 2007
Conversations With Girl
"I'm scared, Girl. Scared for you."
"I'm not. I'm ready for this."
"I feel like I should have left you out there. There was a certain comfort to your faithful efforts. Sometimes your poundings brought me peace; in an odd way, they sheltered me. As long as you were out there and I was in here, the hope of what could have been was alive. And so were you."
"Don't be afraid for me. I've been waiting for this for years, and there isn't anyone else that I'd want with me at the end besides you."
"Do you think it will hurt? Do you think it will be instantaneous? Aren't the moments right now, slipping through your hands, making you crazy?"
"No, the moments that made me crazy are moments that never were. And I cannot imagine something more painful than continuing to live those moments, over and over, no answer or truth in sight."
"How can you lay here next to me Girl, knowing that it is my hand that will lead you away from here; that it is my trembling hand that will lead you to Boy; that it will be my tear-stained hand that will gently move over your eyes, closing them forever?"
"It's not so hard, Jenn. It's nice, actually, for you to finally acknowledge that I existed."
"What should I do with you when it's over Girl? Where do you want to be?"
"I know right where I'll be; you won't need to worry about that.
That's the beauty of getting to plan your goodbye.
I'm going to go back to Texas, and I'm going to be leaning up against Boy, dancing with him in that bar, the bar that didn't have a roof, under that star filled sky, my head rested on his shoulder, his hand on the small of my back.
And that's where I'm going to stay, always.
There.
Swaying in that moment, with him, forever.
Blissfully unaware of anything but happiness and friendship and the fact that I loved the way that he smelled.
And, most importantly, although I love you Jenn, blissfully unaware that you were about to exist."
"I'm not. I'm ready for this."
"I feel like I should have left you out there. There was a certain comfort to your faithful efforts. Sometimes your poundings brought me peace; in an odd way, they sheltered me. As long as you were out there and I was in here, the hope of what could have been was alive. And so were you."
"Don't be afraid for me. I've been waiting for this for years, and there isn't anyone else that I'd want with me at the end besides you."
"Do you think it will hurt? Do you think it will be instantaneous? Aren't the moments right now, slipping through your hands, making you crazy?"
"No, the moments that made me crazy are moments that never were. And I cannot imagine something more painful than continuing to live those moments, over and over, no answer or truth in sight."
"How can you lay here next to me Girl, knowing that it is my hand that will lead you away from here; that it is my trembling hand that will lead you to Boy; that it will be my tear-stained hand that will gently move over your eyes, closing them forever?"
"It's not so hard, Jenn. It's nice, actually, for you to finally acknowledge that I existed."
"What should I do with you when it's over Girl? Where do you want to be?"
"I know right where I'll be; you won't need to worry about that.
That's the beauty of getting to plan your goodbye.
I'm going to go back to Texas, and I'm going to be leaning up against Boy, dancing with him in that bar, the bar that didn't have a roof, under that star filled sky, my head rested on his shoulder, his hand on the small of my back.
And that's where I'm going to stay, always.
There.
Swaying in that moment, with him, forever.
Blissfully unaware of anything but happiness and friendship and the fact that I loved the way that he smelled.
And, most importantly, although I love you Jenn, blissfully unaware that you were about to exist."
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Although these writings are created by a lowly servant, they still belong to me.
Please, don't take them,
or it's off with your head.
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Although these writings are created by a lowly servant, they still belong to me.
Please, don't take them,
or it's off with your head.
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that girl.
that beautiful girl dancing under the stars,
sweet and pretty in her innocence.
but the woman is is stunning and wise.
one leads to the other and back again.
swirling watercolors.
tears and memory.
In your vunerability there is strength and beauty. Whatever happens that will remain.
You have all of my love and hope, resting right there in your hands. Love you, Jenn.
Keep going ... forward.
it is hard to journey past and future. the questions of how the two intertwine, or don't is worthy. and the question of how to heal never has a simple answer.
write on, Jen..... it is, you are beautiful.
I wonder often how many girls are inside all of us. Another fine edition.
These posts ('cause I went all the way back to the My Three Sons) (and I am perplexed as to who that is). Anyway. They leave me sort of floating these posts. And the image of a roofless bar under the stars and his smell.
wow. what a punch.
I hope truly that all your hopes and wishes come true.
Best of luck with your journey. I believe risks always pay off somehow, whether you know it or not at the time it happens.
Hugs!
Kat
And sometime the end of one thing can bring the beginning of another.
I hope you find the answers you need.