I am going to start at a line, and I am going to cross a finish line, hell or high water....and believe me, it might be both. My cousin and soul sister, "B" invited me to run in this race with her in January. (Isn't it funny how, in January, so many things are possible? How everything you've wanted to be seems so within reach?)
So, of course, I said, "SIGN ME UP!" And she replied: "You have to sign yourself up." I should have had pause at that point. Instead, I put it on my calendar and committed myself to it. Then I plugged in the treadmill and it's been an uphill journey since, no matter what the incline on the treadmill says.
I'm pretty emotional about doing this. I tell people I'm running it, and they say, "Great", or "How far is 5K"? Saying it's a little over three miles doesn't do it justice, so I'm going to give you my list of how far a 5K is and why every time I think about running it, my voice cracks and my eyes start to tear up. It's really not because I have perma-PMS, it's because this is how far 5K is:
- It's 332 days of caring for Little A, without help from the person that I least expected to not be there.
- So far, it's been 62 days of getting on a treadmill and getting OFF the couch
- It's been 27 days that I haven't laced up my shoes and I've hated myself for it
- It's probably been a hundred times that I've eaten broccoli instead of oreos and probably thirty that I didn't.
- It's been hundreds of middle of the night phone calls that I didn't make, wanting to sob, "I CANNOT DO THIS! I CANNOT BE ALONE ONE MORE MINUTE! I DIDN'T WANT THIS!"
- It's been two that I did
- It's been a million times of thanking God for the gifts that I have....
- ....and a hundred times that asking Him to watch out for us
- It's keeping a promise to myself, finally, allowing myself to know that it's OK to have something for me, just for me, and understand that doesn't make me less of a parent or less of a person
- It's been seeing Little A rescesitated twice, each time thinking, "This isn't happening..this isn't me..this isn't my life..this isn't happening..."
- It's been realizing that it IS happening, and coming out of it not stronger, wiser
- It's thanking God for the friends that said, "I'll run it with you" and the friends that said, "I don't know why you're doing this, but I'll come and watch"
- It's finally realizing that the finish line is an illusion....and there really isn't any training, there's just the daily doing or the not doing....it's been a race all along; I just finally decided to lace up my shoes.