08 April 2009

To Whom It May Concern:

Dear Sir:

In order to help you avoid death at the hands of anyone with a brain and a driver's license, I thought I would kindly point out the error of your ways this morning so that you can avoid further unfortunate incidents such as the one that you were involved in at the crack of freaking dawn on this beautiful day.

  • If it is 6:12 a.m. and you are looking to pull out from a driveway (note: your current speed is zero) and a car, let's just say a navy blue mommy-mobile, is approximately 15 feet from you and appears to be traveling closer with each passing millisecond, it is considered good form and a basic tenement of traffic laws that you allow said car to go by prior to pulling out from said driveway.
  • If the above circumstances apply and additionally you drive a freaking 1978 Ford Escort with acceleration rates that are equal to those of a dying sea turtle trying to crawl back into the ocean for one last swim, it is just common sense that you DON'T PULL OUT UNTIL SAID MOMMY-MOBILE HAS PASSED.
  • If, despite good form, traffic laws and common sense, you proceed to pull out anyway, forcing the driver of the navy-blue car to slam on her brakes, thereby catapulting her briefcase, all contents of said briefcase and her Diet Mt. Dew onto the floor, it probably is not in your best interest to then look into your rear-view mirror and flip off the driver of the navy blue car, for apparently tailgating you?
  • Once you've committed the acts above, for you to then chug along and not even go within ten miles per hour of the posted 35 mph speed limit, well sir, I've heard that juries have acquitted admitted murderers in the same circumstances for something called "justifiable homicide".
  • For you to then drive down the center of the road so that the car behind you cannot pass you and then laugh while smoking your cigarette and sipping your coffee, forcing the driver of the mommy-mobile to abandon her daily vow not to swear so early in the morning (which on most days, takes until at LEAST 7:02 a.m.), it's just asking Karma to come and give you a nice, swift kick in the ass.
  • Upon committing the above atrocities, if you then watch the driver of the mommy-mobile cut through a bank parking lot to avoid the red light you're stopped at, as she's pulling out of the said lot onto the road in front of you while you're still sitting at a red light and appears to be laughing manically, it is not considered good manners to watch such actions with both of your middle fingers apparently sprouting from your steering wheel, mouth agape. 
I hope this letter has cleared up any confusion that you may have previously suffered from regarding not being a complete asshole who should not be allowed to drive basic traffic knowledge.

Sincerely,

A Concerned and Considerate Driver

18 comments:

jen said...

whoa. dude. keep away from the mommy mobile. seriously.

Sornie said...

I think we've all encountered something akin to this. Great illiteration to a dying sea turtle, I think I've been stuck behind this car.

Blog Antagonist said...

UGH. Idiot drivers are my biggest pet peeve. I am not very tolerant of stupidity behind the wheel.

flutter said...

Oy.

let us all learn from this lesson. Let us all learn.

Janet said...

Um, you have a vow not to swear early in the morning? Dude, that's when I do my *most* swearing.

Love the letter format. Thanks for the laugh.

Jonas said...

Justifiable homicide or mercy killing? Too close to call...

AmandaD said...

This started out sounding way too much like one of those story problems they doled out in math that gave me the hiccups and an odd impulse to spontaneously wet myself.

Luckily by the end I was easily to muster the ability to silently mouth, "What a dick wad!"

Lawyer Mama said...

Whoah, dude. I've had this happen to me, or at least something similar. But then it got worse. I discovered that in Virginia it is illegal to pull through a parking lot to avoid a red light.

luckyzmom said...

Were this happening to me and were my 29 year old son with me he would give me his usual "Breathe. Mom. Breathe," and then pull in his breath with huge exageration. By the time we got to the stoplight I am sure he would be cheering me on through the parking lot.

T with Honey said...

This type of driver has 2 choices: 1) learn how to drive correctly, 2) hope they win the Darwin Award when they finally run out of luck.

hermitgrrl said...

I got two rude gestures and one honk in less than an hour yesterday, my "fault" being having the right of way... What the blank is up with drivers these days??!!!?
Oh, been lurking for awhile, love your writings.

KC said...

What a butthead. But, you know where he lives....

Jennifer said...

you MUST live here in Bham, AL with me....many other cities certainly have ruder drivers, but Bham takes the cake for the most idiot drivers.

deb said...

I think I know that driver.

bjover said...

Yeahh, people pull out in front of me all the time, but my car is smaller than yours so its understandable.

Dont worry Jenn your mommy mobile has a good crash test rating just in case u know :-D

Her Grace said...

I didn't know that was you behind me today :). KIDDING. What a way to start the morning and WHY are you trying to cut down on swearing? It's an acceptable form of stress relief, isn't it???

Jenn said...

Losing the Mt. Dew first thing in the morning had to be the worst!

bgirl said...

love it jenn, classic post.