10 October 2013

Before I Was Me

The Queens and I had the gift of today together and while we were running around playing, suddenly the sight of them laughing caught me off guard and sent me careening backwards, into yesteryear, my own sister by my side, a fall day shining down on us.

There was nothing particularly memorable about the day, nothing specific regarding the memory, but just for a moment, I could almost feel her beside me, her hand in mine, the way that she'd lean on me.

It struck me then, while I was lingering between what I thought would be and what is, that I've spent a lot of time thinking of what is to come, rather than focusing on what is now.


While we're eating dinner, my mind is packing Big A's lunch for the next day. While we're at the park, my mind is cooking supper, giving baths, signing homework logs. While we're reading books or painting toenails, my mind is scraping together mortgage payments and college funds, always on what lies ahead, rarely on what sits here.

Looking at The A's today and recalling so strongly my own childhood reminded me that while I'm still planning my tomorrows, I am also responsible for their today's. I want to make these days happy and secure and something they can reflect upon with a smile.

They didn't know me before I was "me," their mother. They don't know that one day, I too, laughed with my little sister and learned new games and had dreams of what life would be like when I was (gasp) old and thirty.

This person that they do know needs some serious work in the "living for today" department. She needs to remind herself to breathe deep and smell the flowers of today, instead of always worrying about how she's going to get the water to nourish them tomorrow.

She needs to focus on the sunshine a little more and the impending snow storm a little less.

And she's going to try, very, very hard to do so.

Wish her luck; she's going to need it.

32 comments:

jtcosby said...

You are killing me...and I am so glad! Thank you for continually reminding me of the blessing of being a mom. I am so ready for this weekend to be over...I might miss something if I don't watch it...I don't want to miss anything!

Lori at Spinning Yellow said...

I do wish you luck. I have such a hard time living in the moment and appreciating what I have. It is incredibly hard.

Some of my fondest memories are of playing and giggling with my sister.

Janet said...

I do wish you luck. Send some back my way, won't you? I have the same problem.

Mamma said...

It is hard sometimes isn't it? And the todays are going by so quickly we are going to miss them if we don't live fully right now.

I loved reading this.

The Expatriate Chef said...

My sister never held my hand. She did put me in the dryer once, closed the door and turned it on. She also beat me with empty 2-liter pop bottles. Ah, sisterhood! Though the post really makes me wish my little one had a sister (nicer than her aunt was)! Live a bit, the rain will come and water the flowers soon enough.

jen said...

it's the hardest part, isn't it. and they offer to teach us this lesson every single day.

Amy Y said...

Oh, thank you for this reminder.
Good luck to you... and I hope I can do it too! With my type A personality... I have my doubts. Ugh.

Kerry said...

Yes, go reminder. I too need to focus on enjoying today. How fast they grow. I am savoring my 2nd's baby stage much more than my 1st. Knowing this could very well be the last baby makes me treasure this time around even more.

painted maypole said...

good luck!

what a great goal.

Joker The Lurcher said...

i'm in the same place just now - trying really hard not to worry about the future and to enjoy now. its getting easier...

Family Adventure said...

You're so right. We could all use a bit more 'now' moments.

Heidi

Blog Antagonist said...

I think everyone struggles with that from time to time, especially Moms. But it's a good lesson to learn. Now that my boys are older, there are a lot of things I wish I had taken the time to savor.

Christine said...

their todays. yes we need to remember that. as i blog here they are playing and laughing. i need to go. . .

T with Honey said...

I'm guilty of this one too. I've been getting better at enjoying the present, especially since the various colds going around that have invaded my body don't allow me to think of more than one thing at a time. But it is a continual struggle to balance living in the now yet preparing for the future.
Good luck!!

Becc said...

I reflect your feelings. I realized today that the sun is shining and the sky is as blue as the Florida seas and that I hadn't notice.

BetteJo said...

Yeah, that living for today thing is still tough for me. But for the kids - it's important.
Enjoy the A's - it's so trite but so true - it goes by SO fast!

Single Mom Seeking said...

Wow, you put this so eloquently. I needed to read this today, if only to know that I'm not the only one who's mind is constantly running three steps ahead. Stop it, please!

Yesterday, I did try. I really did. When I picked my girl up at school, I bent down on both knees and looked her in the eyes. I wanted to see her, to really see her as she was.
Do you know what she said?
"Mommy, your breath stinks."

Oh, The Joys said...

I'm a task master too. 1/2 the time thinking about the "to do" list. These are good words for me...

Sue @ praise & coffee said...

Oh wow. Very good post, thank you!

Teryn said...

You and me both. I'm so tired of missing things because I'm worrying about something else.

Happy now. That's all there is. Good luck!

Christine said...

That is my goal once we've moved (tomorrow)...that I'll be able to REFOCUS on my kids, on our todays.

Good luck to you.

Loralee Choate said...

Mothers are natural worriers. It's hard to stop fretting about the future and enjoy the here and now.

When did that happen? It was so easy to do as a kid...

KC said...

Me too, Jenn. Me too.

bgirl said...

love this post jenn, you are always so insightful and honest. this entry is proof you are well on your way to those present moments and relishing in all they provide.

luckyzmom said...

Oh,yes,one of my regrets also. It is never too late to start, so I am wishing us both luck.

WhyMommy said...

"the gift of today"

Beautiful. You know. You do. Now enjoy it....

Chaotic Joy said...

This is something I have recently had to make a very concious effort to do. And it is and effort, stopping to live in the moment. I don't think it comes naturally, especially to women. Thanks for reminding me to keep fighting the fight.

canape said...

It is so hard to stay in the now. I find it close to impossible, but so very nice when it happens.

PDX Mama said...

Hear you, sister! Good reminder. Hope you have some luck doing so and I'll try as well.

Anonymous said...

You already took care of the first two steps:
1.) admitting
2.) asking for help (luck)

That's most of the battle. Since you have two happy little girls there with you, reminding you of your goal, there can be no doubt of your success.

You are lovely.

justabeachkat said...

A very sweet reminder to us all.

Hugs!
Kat

Susan said...

What a wonderful post. I struggle with this a lot, but am getting better, much better at not worrying too much or planning too far ahead. Then again, when I read The Power of Now, I kept skipping ahead :)