We need to talk. Now. Please put down the children and ignore the laundry, and while you're at it, go ahead and toss that graham cracker right over this way.
First, I'd like to compliment you on all that you do for me. I love the walks and treats, plates to lick, the creature that you hired to sit in a highchair and toss me snacks, and especially love that you still let me curl up next to you under the covers after all of these years, and the perfect little air hole that you create for me to stick my nose out. I love the doggy park, belly rubs and even some of the songs on the radio that you leave on for me all day.
Despite all of your wonderful qualities, we need to have a very serious discussion right now.
I've been losing sleep lately over this, (OK, 15 minutes might not be a lot to you, but in dog years, it's enough to throw your day out of whack) and so today while I carefully nudged off the newspaper that you left on the couch so that I wouldn't get on it (so cute; "A" for effort) and sunned myself, I finally decided to just let you know that I've become aware of your evil plans for me, and I'm telling you now, I want no part of it. I've been a faithful and loyal dog; why would you want to do this to me? Hear me loud and clear:
I AM NOT GOING TO DRESS UP AS A FISH FOR HALLOWEEN!!! BANISH THE THOUGHT FROM YOUR HEAD!!
So you can take that little fish pattern for dogs and march it right back to the torturing facility that it came from, and then take the money and go buy me some treats. I don't really care how cute you think the snack thrower and Big A will look as mermaids, I am not an accessory. I sat passively by when you tied that mane around my neck and hung the "courage" badge from it, but this is where I must draw the line. Portraying the king of the animal world is one thing, pretending to be a fish ( PINK fish to boot) is entirely different, and it must be stopped.
I've not asked for much from you over these past 12 years, if you don't count the above mentioned items, but I'm going to have to put my paws down on this one.