I woke up one day this week, and thought, "Hmmm, that feels odd".
And being of cautious (and hypochondriac--it's hereditary) mind, I made an appointment that very day.
Since my family doctor was out of town, I went to a different doctor in his office.
She performed an exam and told me I could put my bra and top back on, and that she'd be back in.
Minutes, maybe ten, passed when that little voice in my head told me maybe I wasn't imagining whispering outside of the door. Maybe it was really happening. And I clenched my hands together.
And about ten minutes after that, I nearly fell off the table when my arm slipped out from under me while I was leaning towards the door. Being paranoid does not make an already clumsy girl somehow graceful, you know.
And about twenty minutes after that, a knock in the door, but the person walking in first was not the doctor who had examined me.
"Hello, Jenn, I am Doctor X, Head of Something", I don't remember because simultaneously I was thinking, "this isn't good" and "why won't my first doctor look me in the eye"?
And so he asked me to remove my bra and top again so he could examine me.
And as he was there palpitating the lump in my breast, I was staring at the ceiling tile and through teary eyes, I thought, "oh, it kind of looks like stars in the sky". And then I thought, "oh, whymommy has a picture of stars in the sky on her blog". And then I thought, "I can't think anymore".
Doctor One and Two left, and told me to dress. They came back about fifteen minutes later, handing me a card for a needle aspiration biopsy. For today.
And so this morning, after putting on my new bling, I went for my appointment, where it didn't really go like I kept telling myself it would, and now, today, I am going back again. And I'm having surgery next week, as one of the doctors today told me that no matter the results of the biopsies, "the mass" in my breast would need to be removed, regardless.
And so when I'm stunned, I struggle to speak. And when he asked if I had any questions, all I could muster was a shake of my head. I'll ask them to my next doctor in a few minutes.
And I'm going to ask that you who believe, say a quick prayer.
And those that don't, for one minute, please do believe, and send up a quick prayer anyway.