19 July 2008

Readers Beware! Danger! Protect Your Children!

There had been whispers before in the scientific world, but last night a brutal attack in our home confirmed scientists worst suspicions: the horrifying Pen Spider does, in fact, exist. It is not merely lore recited around Bunsen burners outside of tents on summer nights. Following is what I've learned in the first twelve hours since the brutal attack:

This spider is wily and brilliant, amazingly smart for having a brain the size of a spec of sand.

The first mode of his multi-faceted attack is to render the victim suspiciously quiet. He then proceeds to crawl up and down the legs of the victim, marking her with his fangs. (His fangs are not actually teeth, but rather pen, thus leaving proof of his attack with ink, not red bite marks)

After tattooing the victim, who is still apparently unable to use her voice box, he then places stickers upon her body and what is left of her hair. (Instead of having silk to weave webs, he carries stickers in that sac instead).


Apparently, the only way to end the viciousness of this spiders attack is to have someone open the bedroom door. Upon a parental figure in the doorway, this spider slips away into the night, untraceable, despite the best efforts of the Servant to find it, all the while, the poor victim chanting, over and over, "I scared. The spider scary. He got me. He got me. I no get me. The spider did."

Fortunately, I got in touch with someone from National Geographic who told me that there is an anti-dote for the spider bites, and that it must be administered within ten hours of the attack (we just made the deadline). This expert said that some substance in Powdered Sugar Doughnuts can erase all effects of the attack. (Luckily, we had some in our cupboard).

I have to go now and primp (National Geographic is on the way. I'm assuming that we'll be featured in a special on this monster, the scenes re-enacted by far better looking actors than us. I'll keep you posted as to the airing time).

I just wanted to take a few moments and warn all of you of the dangers that this creature poses to your children. Be on the look-out people. And let me know if you have any sightings, then I can send the N.G. crew your way once they are done here.

13 comments:

Amy Y said...

I shall never sleep again, for fear that the pen spider will attack my children in the night.

I solemnly appreciate the warning!

QueenMother said...

she is adorable! cute! precious! She no get her-the spider get her. The Politician says similar things. He likes to say, "I rock mommy" which means "Mommy, Rock Me" How can I say no to that? I can't!

tiff said...

Oh dear.
I think that spider originated in Australia and has made its way to foreign soil!

Very cute and funny.

Demand More said...

hahahaha. Thank you, I needed that! You are an amazing writer by the way!

Deb said...

Snort. Too funny. I remember my kids doing that.

Anonymous said...

I've seen similar attacks. Luckily the marker scorpion didn't rear his ugly head.

hugs

CM said...

Oh, it has been here. Numerous times!

You are a terrific writer! This totally cracked me up!

Mama Goose said...

Thank you for this important information! The ubiquitous Pen Spider made an appearance at our house last night too!! When I got O out of bed this morning his belly button was GREEN!!! Now it all makes perfect sense!

twithhoney said...

This is one of the few times in life that I will be grateful for my child's lack of imagination. She would never have come up with the dreaded pen spider.

But I appreciate the warning that the spider could appear in my own home any day now.

Becc said...

Oh Jenn! She is SO big!!!

Anonymous said...

The spider has made it to our home also, but this particular species writes the victims name in pre-school scribble on a siblings wall. Please beware of that variety!!!

luckyzmom said...

Oh, my! And all these years I thought that my children had done it themselves. Perhaps it really was a "Marker Monster" that decorated our daughters room too?

QuJaBaKa said...

Im delurking to say thanks for the warning, I too didn't realise that the pen spider had jumped continents. Maybe there are different breeds, did yours use permanent marker? ours is ruthless and also a little clumsy as he managed to get the blankets too.