29 September 2008

Why Mommy Drinks

Location: The kitchen in the castle

Hour: Too damn early

Scene: Servant cooking breakfast, Big A on throne

Servant hands Big A platter, continues cooking reserve food for squirrels living in walls (another post) to gnaw on, gagging on smoke from sausage permeating the air


Big A: Actually, do you have some peppermint?

Servant: Peppermint? Like candy peppermint?

Big A (eyebrows arched, puzzled look on face): You know, pep-per-mint? Like peppermint oil?

Servant: No, fresh out of that.

Big A: Oh, because Mr. N told us that peppermint stimulates the brain.

Servant: Huh.

Big A: Is this soy milk?

Servant: Nope, that is milk straight from a poor, tortured cow on a dairy farm.

Big A: OK. This is good. (Takes another bite of waffle with whipped cream and
syrup on top)

Big A: Wait. Does this have sugar in it?

Servant (already missing the warmth from basking in Big A's compliment, warily):
Why?

Big A: Because Mr. N said that sugar actually de-stimulates the brain.

Servant: So does death.

Big A (nods head, unamused at witty, non-peppermint stimulated comment from servant): So there is sugar in it?

Scene closes, Servant noting to self that she must find subtle way to suggest less emphasis on nutrition, more emphasis on "Algebra for Idiot Servants" cheat-sheets to teacher, Mr. N., at parent-teacher conference. Oh, and buy more beer.

30 comments:

Kellan Rhodes said...

So funny (and so well written)! I really enjoyed this - it made my morning. I loved the whole peppermint thing! See ya!

B said...

buwahahaha simply fantastico
-paco

MP said...

Damn Teachers!!
If you made me waffels w/ syrup and sausage...and real milk in my coffee I would totally do whatever was in my power to help with the squirrels...or whatever else you needed and I wouldn't talk once about sugar..dairy w/ fat or greasy meat!

Orangeblossoms said...

Yeah, that whole servant pepperment dilemma-- again!

Been there. Do that weekly....

Anonymous said...

Even though I can attribute a significant percentage of my procrastination to you, I can NOT deny that it is so worth it!

Lawyer Mama said...

Now *I* want to punch Mr. N.

Ally said...

This is hilarious. And as a fellow servant, I so relate.

Chaotic Joy said...

We had that happen here too. The peppermint thing. The no sugar thing. Yada, yada, yada. There is a simple solution. Try giving him something that contains peppermint oil and no sugar. Works like a charm.

slouching mom said...

Ack! SHE IS INDEED BEN'S TWIN.

Loralee Choate said...

Wait until she's driving. I annoyed the hell out of my parents when I was in Driver's Ed.

Hey, I was only trying to help them perfect their driving skills...

crazymumma said...

I really think you should be feeding the squirrels the sugar.

Mamma said...

The stuff they're teaching these kids! Sheesh!!!

carrie said...

I need a servant,

and some waffles with whipped cream.

Christine said...

dude. you need a KEG>

and i hate when i am all out of peppermint oil to stimulate my brain.

deb said...

Lovely.

flutter said...

Oh my god. Um, is there oxygen in this air I am breathing? Because I have heard that it stimulates the brain but causes death. Did you know that 100% of people who have taken a breath with oxygen in it, in their lifetime will die?

It's good though, air...so is there oxygen in it?

painted maypole said...

I wonder what Mr. N has to say about beer stimulating the brain

Sarcasta-Mom said...

Then maybe I should stop avoiding sugar and feed it to my kids more regularly? My boy child especially needs to de-stimulate his brain. lol.

Servants unite!

InTheFastLane said...

Just what we need - our know it all children having more knowledge.

Blog Antagonist said...

ROFL. Sometimes it really stinks when they gain the ability to reason. It was much easier when they happily munched those Gerber meatsticks and gobbled blueberry buckle without comment. I get the third degree at mealtimes too.

bgirl said...

oh how you and i are in synch. i'm working up a post right now on my addiction to wine.

thinking of you. thank god for a sense of humor!

Becc said...

Rock on, Girlfriend!

She is too darn smart for her britches!

canape said...

Mr. N must be banished from your kindgom.

Janet said...

Wait...does beer have sugar in it?

Perhaps Mr. N should come over and make breakfast? Then maybe he woudln't be such a smarty pants.

Her Grace said...

Beer destimulates the brain. But then, you knew that, didn't you?

KC said...

I'm so not up for this talking/explaining/justifying dance! Maybe I like the caveman sentences...(and the fact that whatever I say is taken as gospel)

Seattle Mamacita said...

that silly mr. n trying to make them healthy and all...so funny

Amy York said...

Oh my :)

luckyzmom said...

Too much water will kill you.

Good for you for not trying to "poo poo" her new found knowledge.

Thanks for the chuckle!

Ashley said...

These darn kids these days think they know everything.