07 January 2009

Gone

"He is gone".

That simple sentence keeps ruminating through my mind; an endless whisper of what is now true; a constant reminder of what will never be the same.

You can speak to me of memories, but I know them, and I keep them with me.

You can remind me of a better place; I know that he is there.

For the time being, these things do not change what is the truth to me right now, and that truth is achingly painful, and I am indescribably sad.

The simple truth leaves me sobbing in my car, circling the parking lot, unable to stop the car or muster the energy to actually go inside.

This simple truth has me tapping my chest, willing it to take deep breaths in and out and reminding it not to allow the hard jagged sobs that seem to take it over at will.

This simple sentence has me at a loss; has all of my family at a loss, and I'm just trying to comprehend that no matter the days that pass, life will never be the same.

This simple sentence has me begging the world to stop; to pause; just for a moment, and yet this life is pushing me along: bathe my children, do my work, feed the birds, play with the dogs, work with Big A on her pitching and Little A on her ABC's and debate with anyone who will listen why the Tigers should keep Kenny Rogers as a mid-game reliever.

And then finally, there will come a pause, a break in the routine of my day, and in those moments of silence, I cannot help it, I weep.

I'm not a stranger to death or loss.

I'm just not sure that I've lost someone that I loved so much; someone that was such a magnificent part of my life; someone that always brought a smile to my face.

It's difficult to think that I will not see him again; that there will be no more emails from him, no more Tigers games with him, no more hearing his accented voice singing hymns.

I know, that in a sense, he is there; that he exists within all of us.

It's just that despite that truth, the simple one still exists.

He is gone.

And so I weep.

9 comments:

Loralee Choate said...

I am so very sorry about your loss. It's heartbreaking and no matter how old you get? You're never ready to lose someone you love.

Becc said...

I'm sorry for your loss Jenn.
I am amazed at how life comes around in a full circle for people and how our lives often mirror the other.
I too have been feeling and struggling through a loss since Dec 12th. I continue to pray for my family's healing and now yours as well.

Single Mom Seeking said...

Huge, big hug, I hope you're surrounded by love right now. He was incredibly blessed to have you.

flutter said...

may he rest, gorgeous and whole.

Mama Goose said...

I know too well the place where you are right now. It's been nearly 4 years since I lost my mother and I still ache. Desperately.

I wish I could help you ease your pain.

bgirl said...

ah sweet lady. sending you hugs for your precious loss and cherished memories.

luckyzmom said...

Dear Precious Woman, "Jesus wept." I weep for your loss and pause now to send you a breath of comfort.

Amanda said...

Oh, friend, I weep for oyu.

PrincessSteph said...

you have written so eloquently. i can feel your pain and sadness through your words. sending you a large hug and lots of love.

I once had someone say to me that as grief becomes less raw and violent and changes and grows so do the memories and they become more personal, tender and meaningful. I'm not sure if it's true, but I like the thought that the raw grief finds hope in softer memories.