08 January 2009

Goodbye

I'm heading to my first home today; the home where I spent my childhood and I'm dreading it.

It's a place where, in my minds eye, all remains the same. The trees we'd play in remain standing, the hills we rolled down still as magnificent as they were when we were small. So many pieces of me remain there, protected from what would come.

Except there is no protection there anymore.

I'm going to walk into my grandparents home, just as I did on Christmas, and nothing there will be the same, for he is gone, and I cannot wrap myself around this. When I try to begin to comprehend him passing, I sob or I start wringing my hands or tapping my chest or rubbing my neck or moving my feet and demand my thoughts to go elsewhere.

I've no regrets to our goodbye; I don't wish I'd said something more or done something differently, just a kiss on the forehead and an "I love you Gramps and I always will" to which he responded, "I love you too. You take care of yourself," his withered hand had grasped mine, "You take care of yourself and those girls and remember the good. Focus on the good." It might be the first goodbye to which I've not later wished for more.

 
I have to tell Big A today, and I don't know how I will do this. I know what the news of this will do to her little heart, and I can't stand the thought of it. I feel like I should know more, like I should be able to cope, like I should be a blanket of comfort for her, but the truth is that my heart is also raw; in ways, I suppose, still very childlike.

I laid on the couch last night and tried to picture what today will be like, but I didn't get very far. My mind went back to so many memories of him that I became lost in emotion and could barely breathe.

Is this adulthood then? Our hearts and minds screaming, sobbing, "no", and our bodies and motions saying, "but you must"?

I don't know how I will do this.

Godspeed Gramps.

18 comments:

Janet said...

I'm so sorry. But I can't think of a more fitting goodbye than a heartfelt "I love you."

Peace to you and yours.

flutter said...

I'm holding your hand, love

Christine said...

I'm sorry. So, so sorry. Yes, sometimes being the grown-up is beyond difficult, huh?

justabeachkat said...

Jenn

I'm so very sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you today. I wish I had the words to soothe and help you. I will be praying for you and your family.

Hugs!
Kat

Mama Goose said...

Oh Jenn. I'm so, so sorry. I know too well what you are feeling. I wish you strength and comfort - but you already have those. Revel in his memory.

Meg said...

Jenn, I'm so sorry about the loss of your grandfather. I DREAD the day when my own grandmother passes. My daughters are so close to their "GG" (great-grandma) and she is very involved in our lives. I hope you can find some comfort so that you can, in turn, comfort your girls. I am happy that you don't have any regrets, though. That must be a small comfort in itself.

Amy Y said...

I'm sorry, Jenn.

Northern Michigan Mom said...

I'm so sorry about the loss of your Grandpa. May your family find peace in all the memories you shared with him over the years. Thinking of you and your family.

Lynnbug said...

I am sorry to hear about your Gramps. It is hard to lose Grandparents. I still miss mine to this day. And I have ridden by their old house where we all used to play. It is not the same. Sad

Amanda said...

Oh sweets, neither do I, but I'll be here once you're done.

Jonas said...

Please accept my hearfelt sympathy.

jeanie said...

I am so sorry - comiserations for your loss.

Its so harsh that there are no other words that I could offer that would do any justice to the absolutely evocative words you have put together.

I am glad you got a good goodbye.

Chaotic Joy said...

I am so, so, sorry for you loss.

Kimberly said...

Thinking of you and Little A. Sending hugs and courage to face this hard time in your life. xo

TinaGirl said...

Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I do feel your pain. 5 years ago the day after christmas my Gpa passed, the same man who had such a hold on my heart that it broke when the call came in. That and it was just 20 days after my grandma, his wife had gone and that December 26th? That was their 59th wedding anniversary. Still Christmas is SO bittersweet and doesn't hold the same magic as when my Gparents were there to celebrate with us.

luckyzmom said...

Sending you thoughts and prayers of comfort and strength during this time of sadness and loss.

painted maypole said...

oh, I'm sorry.

Jennifer said...

I know this won't make it any easier, but I am so sorry for your loss. Lots of prayers coming your way.