Signs that a good time was certainly had by you the night before:
- You awaken from a dream of drinking gallons of water to find yourself on your couch, fully clothed, down to your ballet slipper shoes, and have no immediate recollection of how you actually got there.
- After squinting out of your contact laden eyes to assess the situation, hazy memories of a party with a band begin surfacing.
- You check your phone for drunk dials and hit yourself in the forehead, simultaneously assuring yourself you couldn't have sounded that bad.
- Upon rising, you wonder why your body is so sore. You honestly cannot imagine what you could have done until you go to pull your hair into a ponytail, then recollect making that same motion the previous evening. While you were playing basketball. Outdoors. For at least an hour. In ballet flat slippers. With a tall, athletic twelve year old boy. Who was sober.
- You drag your butt up your stairs, unglue the contacts from your eyes, have a wrestling match with your clothes while trying to remove them, and wonder if anyone else is feeling this sick as well. You believe it's a sign that you weren't that drunk since you are not vomiting, then recall actually doing that the night before. You blame it on motion sickness from riding in the back seat, and believe that was definitely the case, for when you moved to sit on the center counsel after aforementioned vomiting, you were fine.
- You lie semi-conscious on your bed and wonder how it was that not only yourself, but other very smart people, thought that another two gallons of margarita's was a good idea.
- You answer your phone laughing when your friend calls and announces that she's never going out with you again. You note her sexy, raspy voice, but then don't comment upon it when she mentions vomiting several times.
- Your poor designated driver friend, whom is always looking out for you and your queens, calls to see if you're alright. When you comment upon the haziness of awakening that morning, he tells you he didn't think you were going to make it up the stairs the night before, because when you hugged him goodbye, you almost tipped over. You cannot recall any of that. He notes that his wife is still sick and you wonder how many times he had to stop the van on the way home. You note to yourself that you must nominate him for sainthood.
- Your mouth waters at the thought of all of the carbs (mac and cheese, coke, french fries) you are going to need to consume today in order to properly treat your hangover.
- You keep randomly laughing out loud as more and more memories bring themselves to the surface.
- You thank God countless times that you have been so blessed with the friends in your life.
Today is my first day along my new journey. I was going to post a picture of the sun shining through the trees that I saw this morning, but then this happened.
I was meeting with one of my first clients, and pulled out her brand new file and opened it up, something proceeded to fall to the floor.
"I wonder what that could be? The file is brand new", I said as I leaned over to look under my chair, expecting, perhaps, a paper clip.
Instead, I saw this:
Yes, it's a dime.
I bit my lip and smiled through the tears that were threatening to spill over.
And now I'm off, to my next appointment, a new keepsake in my planner; yet one more reminder of things so much greater than I written in my heart.
I don't know how to write about today.
If there are words for this kind of sorrow, I've not learned them yet.
I've willed her to go quietly in the night, but the constant companion and faithful friend that she is, she remains. Not who she once was, but still, who is?
I've finally come to a point where I cannot watch the indignity of what is to come any longer and cannot accept the pain in her life to delay pain in mine. Our vet will be here tonight, after her clinic closes, so that Jessie can be home with The Queens and I when she leaves this world and so much of my world leaves me.
Until then, she and I are heading outside and taking in this perfect fall day together like we've done so many times in the past 16 years, slower, with less ground covered, but together, until Goodbye.
Turns out taking a running leap from the rocks of faith and attempting to soar was a good thing. I've always said if I could have any super-power, it would be the ability to fly, and if I could be any animal, it would be a bird, so I could soar.
It's just that time is so scarce now that I am struggling to manage it well. I always knew he was a thief--he was always up front about that: a wrinkle here; a brown spot there; a roll of baby fat overnight, vanished; a first step, then, seemingly within a heartbeat, a full-out racing child; a mother holding my hand, then I, a mother, holding my own daughters' hands.
And so it goes, this thing called life.
There are a few things that I kept telling myself while I was swimming through the hard stuff, and I keep telling myself those things still, for they kept me afloat. I haven't forgotten that there is something more that I want to do, except rather than telling myself that I possibly cannot change the world, I am now telling myself that I can--start small, then grow.
Here are a collection of things that I've taped up or memorized and kept close to me that I thought I'd put out there for you now, because I think that we all need those reminders, and if we feel like we don't, I can assure you that someone close to you does--perhaps not personally close, but maybe physically close--look around--I can tell you, without doubt, that you can spread hope, and that it once given to someone else, it continues to grow.
- "When you're going through hell, keep going" (Winston Churchill; a magnet)
- "Psst, here's a secret: Your last mortal thought will be: "Why did I take so many days-just like today-for granted"? (My favorite PostSecret card)
- "Never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be" (Celmentine Paddleford)
- "People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may resent you; Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway". Associated with Mother Teresa, however, it was adapted from The Paradoxical Commandments by Kent Keith (1968)
- Each day I'm grateful for a body that, despite some creaks and cracks, works, perfectly. I'm not in a wheelchair, I'm not missing any limbs, I might hate to get wet, but I can still run in the rain into the store from my parking spot a hundred spaces back. I can drive myself where I need to go. I can hug and see my children.
- Despite having been at such a low at one point in my life, I can tell you now that I am grateful for it--I know, without fail, those that will stand by me, no matter what, and those that won't. I'm eternally blessed to be able to share my life with the people that love me, and I'm not going to devote anymore time to worrying about what others that ultimately don't care about me believe. It's a huge weight to remove--you should try it today.
And finally, the poster that I've carried with me for fifteen years:
Dear Readers,
It is with much gratitude that I'd like to update you on my completely corrected and now hardly-existent condition.
Seems that in addition to being a miracle in general, I've managed to have my body grow and heal itself, so there will be no more kidney surgeries in my future, just check-up trips to The Big Hospital.
Following my day of torture and the purchase of whatever doughnuts I wanted (3 of them), we got to go and visit this disturbingly large bird, who was thrilled to be able to be photographed with me.
Thank you, dear readers, for all of the love you sent my way. If you'd like to order a picture, please send $10 and a self-addressed stamped envelope to me and I'll have my minions get on that.
Love,
Queen Little A
