Motherhood is often talked about in lofty terms; the blessings of being a mother, the valiant job that you're doing; the amazing gift you've been given....no one talks about the parts of it that I think sometimes, so mostly I think that I've got everyone fooled; they think I'm a good mom and a good friend and a good person. If I could just get the person living inside of me to believe it, I'd be all set.
Today I had to count to ten not to yell because Big A was sighing and moaning and dragging out her words. DOES SHE NOT UNDERSTAND THAT WE ARE RUNNING LATE? SAY IT ALREADY!
Today I had to clench my teeth as hard as I could to get through the ordeal of changing Little A's diaper; because it is an ordeal. It's like wrangling a muddy, squealing pig. Even her sweet smile couldn't defuse the things boiling inside of me.
Today I had to smile at more people than I cared to, had to dispense patience and kindness and empathy and good naturedness like I meant it while inside I was screaming.
Today while I let a jaywalker cross in front of me and was smiling at her, I was flipping her off with my hand that was sitting in my lap.
Today I slammed the dishes around, and part of me hoped one would break, just so that I could smash something, anything, to make it feel broken like I feel broken each day.
Today when Little A screamed and howled because she hates her toenails being attached to her body, I didn't laugh. I looked at her and said, "They're attached" and pulled her tights back up.
Today I didn't tell one person what I was feeling or thinking or wishing because I thought that if I heard one MORE TIME, "It'll be OK", "It'll work out", I might have actually sat down right there, on the spot and cried until there was no tomorrow.
Today I am glad that Big A is at her dad's and Little A went napless because it means a very early night, and that this day will be over very, very soon, and that this too, shall pass. And I know that it will, I have the ambien to prove it.