09 February 2007

Things I Don't Say Out Loud

Motherhood is often talked about in lofty terms; the blessings of being a mother, the valiant job that you're doing; the amazing gift you've been given....no one talks about the parts of it that I think sometimes, so mostly I think that I've got everyone fooled; they think I'm a good mom and a good friend and a good person. If I could just get the person living inside of me to believe it, I'd be all set.

Today I had to count to ten not to yell because Big A was sighing and moaning and dragging out her words. DOES SHE NOT UNDERSTAND THAT WE ARE RUNNING LATE? SAY IT ALREADY!

Today I had to clench my teeth as hard as I could to get through the ordeal of changing Little A's diaper; because it is an ordeal. It's like wrangling a muddy, squealing pig. Even her sweet smile couldn't defuse the things boiling inside of me.

Today I had to smile at more people than I cared to, had to dispense patience and kindness and empathy and good naturedness like I meant it while inside I was screaming.

Today while I let a jaywalker cross in front of me and was smiling at her, I was flipping her off with my hand that was sitting in my lap.

Today I slammed the dishes around, and part of me hoped one would break, just so that I could smash something, anything, to make it feel broken like I feel broken each day.

Today when Little A screamed and howled because she hates her toenails being attached to her body, I didn't laugh. I looked at her and said, "They're attached" and pulled her tights back up.

Today I didn't tell one person what I was feeling or thinking or wishing because I thought that if I heard one MORE TIME, "It'll be OK", "It'll work out", I might have actually sat down right there, on the spot and cried until there was no tomorrow.

Today I am glad that Big A is at her dad's and Little A went napless because it means a very early night, and that this day will be over very, very soon, and that this too, shall pass. And I know that it will, I have the ambien to prove it.


mamalang said...

I have those days too. Way more than I want to. I've been working on my patience level, and I've actually improved where my kids are concerned. But other people, I don't want to be so nice some days. Good luck with the early bedtime, and I hope tomorrow is a better day.

b. said...

It's so isolating, isn't it...when you're having a really terrible day with the kids and you're all alone. I know my alone only lasts 9 hours a day, but I still get it...your all they have and sometimes you don't have it to give them.

I'm with Mamalang, I hope tomorrow is a better day. If it's not...ask for help. You've got plenty of people around you who'd be willing to give it.

Queso said...

Oh dear, you're not alone. There's a lot of us out here, on certain days counting the minutes until bedtime.

Lauren said...

I hope you have many better days ahead of you. I wish I had some better words of wisdom...