09 July 2007

The Resurrection

I should have listened to that little voice in my head telling me it wasn't the best idea.

I should have copped to the fabrication completely when questioned.

But you know how it goes once you start to tell a lie, then suddenly you're standing on the edge of confessing or stepping over into the area where now more lies must be created to maintain the first, and you choose the latter. (Oh. You don't? You might want to quit reading now.)

I thought that I'd gotten away with it with my little amendments to the story, but, alas, the truth has hunted me down and strung me out for the fabricator that I am.

Big A loved Barney. (Yes, that Barney.) I hated Barney. Not initially, of course, for all relationships are flowery in the beginning, right?

His laughter, once just slightly grating, became the soundtrack to my dreams of running him over with a front-end loader and then dumping him in some location where his body would serve as feed for wild animals.

Barney didn't make me a better person, at all, and Big A was smart, and I figured I could teach her whatever Barney had to say, without the repeated horror of the "I love you" song.

So I told her Barney was seriously injured in a tragic break-dancing accident.

I told her that he was injured (seriously injured) and in order to help him, we needed to not watch the tapes anymore, because if we did, it was zapping his energy and making it harder for him to get better. (She was four, it was plausible, and additionally, I think, a great component of the "fiction writing" portion of my schooling.)

Guess whose miraculous recovery is now getting tossed in my face on a daily basis?

And Big A, God, I love that child.

For when she walked in the door and sat down and saw who was on the TV, she looked at me, straight face and said in her snarkiest voice, "I guess he got better". Then she gave me The Stare of Death as she crossed her arms and sat back with Little A to watch Barney and Friends sing the anthem that they will play as I'm carted off in a straight-jacket.

And Mommy went off to the kitchen to pour a margarita them some chocolate milk and peer wistfully out the window, noting how horrifyingly dangerous the slide in the backyard could be....dangerous enough, perhaps, to maim a dinosaur.






16 comments:

Jonas said...

Too funny!

In the Trenches of Mommyhood said...

I love you...you love me...

Shoot me now!

JustMe said...

So glad the tapes I have passed your way are getting their fair share of usage. Tell Big A these are borrowed tapes, so they aren't zapping his energy like the ones you owned.

Wanna know a cool theme song? Better than Barney? Backyardigans. Or The Wonder Pets.

Wanna know the worst theme song? SILENCE. Remember Wet Oatmeal Kisses.

Your Barney days will be over soon enough. Hang in there!

JMA said...

My older kids recently introduced the toddler in our house to Barney. Once again we find ourselves walking around the house, whistling the saccharine songs. I hate that big, purple cheermonger...

In the Trenches of Mommyhood said...

AND...you are rotten about the baseball! YES, I watched the games and YES I had to listen to Hubby and Eldest lament on the losses...but still...have you checked out the standings, by any chance??
*mwah* air kisses

deb said...

I remember Barney, the dinosaur from hell. And his horrible song, had to listen to it over and over and over again. Thankfully those days have passed.

As for the "Stare of Death", you'll get to see it more often as she gets older. Oh joy.

Her Grace said...

You really WERE desperate to get rid of the dinosaur, huh? I prefer simpler lies, like "The VCR is broken." Which it always seems to be when Barney comes around.

Seattle Mamacita said...

this is too good jenn...i've thought of telling the G that his favorite car Lighting Mcqueen and all his paraphanelia will be traveling the world soon and we won't be seeing him anymore :)

Angela said...

Barney I have never let my son watch it. I hated that Barney since I was 12 now I am 25 and still hate it. I don't want my son to get hooked so he will never be on in my house.

KC said...

dude. You did what you had to.

And break-dancing is perilous, especially those back spins.

Thank God we don't know Barney here. And never will.

feener said...

loved the BNL youtube....

jen said...

i thought he was impossible to get rid of. indestructible. i thought you knew this.

so good luck with that.

Tara said...

My days' soundtrack is The Wiggles. Not as bad as Barney but still annoying. We had a student last year that ADORED Barney and watched it everyday and cried when he sang the last song. Which meant, the tape got rewound and we watched it again. God help me. I'll take The Wiggles anyday over Barney.

BTW, your books are in the mail. Let me know when you get them!

slouching mom said...

I will now tell you what I recently told Ben:

The best way to stop a bully, er, Barney, is to ignore him.

Ally said...

Laughing out loud at this one. Signed, Another Barney Hater

Becc said...

I love Barney!!!

Lance still has to listen to me sing the tune!

And yes...he gives me the same look you are right now...