15 November 2007

Help Wanted


Victim Volunteer-minded individual needed to help serve the charming queens shown above.

Must have the following traits, philosophies and qualifications:

  • Must value the under-appreciated art of laundry folding.
  • Must subscribe to the philosophy that yes, if you wear a shirt for one nano-second, it is dirty, and thereby must be laundered. Also, if you insist that since you collect, wash, dry, sort and fold the laundry, you shouldn't also have to take care of it, you probably aren't the person for this position.
  • Must possess a good sense of potty humor. (As in: you find humor in fishing the few valuables you have out of the toilet)
  • Must have enough social grace not to stare, mouth agape, at excellent exhibitions of temper tantrums, nor chase the offender with a wooden spoon following one of those exhibitions in which, oh, for example, chocolate milk has been spewed across freshly mopped floors. (PS: When we say "mopped", we mean, scrubbed, on your hands and knees)
  • Must be able to function at maximum capability on less than four hours of sleep.
  • Should be able to appreciate the small joys in life, such as getting to run to the bathroom every ten minutes for false potty alarms.
  • Must have the humility to admit your errors when you ignore one of the potty alarms and then have to clean up potty-ily fluids from the floor.
  • Should not insist upon getting hearing checks scheduled for the Queens just because they appear, on most occasions, not to hear you.
  • Must be able to sustain constant criticism and little positive feedback. Being able to make killer oatmeal/raisin/chocolate chip/walnut cookies can help in that department.
  • Should not be the sort to ponder where a child learns to yell, but rather the type that is grateful that your children have functioning lungs.
  • Should laugh hysterically at all farts, burps, mashed potatoes ground into the crevices of your hardwood flooring, food hidden in bedrooms, water dumped from the tub and onto the floor, despite twice daily preachings that one should not do that.
  • Additionally, when we said "volunteer minded", we specifically were referring to the wages we are willing to offer.
All interested applicants, please contact the castle IMMEDIATELY.

31 comments:

jen said...

dude, i already have this job.

Aimee said...

All I keep thinking is:
"Holy Crap, your kids are beautiful!"

flutter said...

Aunt flutter would like to apply.

and your kids are beautiful.

Janet said...

God, they're cute though, aren't they?

InTheFastLane said...

I am great at cleaning pee off the floor. Beautiful pictures!

slouching mom said...

Oh, but those gorgeous girls!

Bean said...

Sounds to me like they've already chosen the perfect victim. I mean volunteer. :-)

Christy said...

They are so beautiful!

I would love to help out, but unfortunately am busy with the task of getting glasses of fresh water, no wait juice, no wait chocolate milk, every two minutes!

deb said...

Lovely girls and what Jen said. I already have this job:)

T with Honey said...

If you find more than one qualified applicant can you send their resume to me, please?

Kelly said...

Adorable kiddos, as are mine, but goodness lord, they are a difficult lot, eh? I just cleaned a mess of pee off the floor in front of the TV. Good times!

And what about snacks? I think that is my main task in life. I am 'that woman who puts goldfish in a bowl and grape juice in a cup with a straw.'

Tuesday Girl said...

I too already have this job. The pay stinks.

Jennifer said...

Apparently I have the job of "Alice" at my house (see new blog post) already and am otherwise occupied, but I'll tell you, those faces are awfully hard to resist.

painted maypole said...

well golly, they are beautiful.

Wayfarer Scientista said...

erm, you know, it sounds a bit better then the job description that goes "must be able to tolerate long periods of isolation with a small number of individuals, tolerate inclement weather and bugs, and be able to carry one's own weight in gear and live without bathing for 3 months for a small stipend" or does it?

clc said...

Love the pictures...
Totally would be 100% in if the miles weren't so far.
Speaking of pictures.. you should shoot me a few in the email :)

mamma knows said...

they are both beautiful :)

Lawyer Mama said...

Yep, yep, I have this job too. I love it.

Your girls are beautiful, Jenn, just beautiful.

amanda said...

What beautiful girls!!! Who could imagine that they could do all those lovely things??????????

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Hmmmm...I have 3 little kings who are of the same philosophy as your gorgeous queens. Must be that royal minds think alike, huh?

Oh, The Joys said...

They are gorgeous!

(and I'm with jen.)

Becc said...

Uh!!! I love them!!!!

How's your ceiling on the main level holding up?

Family Adventure said...

This job would have been a hard sell if you hadn't posted those pictures!

But the job - sounds oh, so familiar! :)

Heidi

Single Mom Seeking said...

Ah ha! You got me girl. I posted about you this week: as an example of a mama blogger who chooses not to post photos of her kids. (I wasn't coming down on you at all, I was simply intrigued.) But no more! Look at this. Beautiful.

I can see now why you serve the Queens. Serve every spoonful of the sky to those girls.

It's clear that you're perfect for the job.

Orangeblossoms said...

well, I am totally not up for the job, the girls are beautiful. And I TOTALLY get being ready to turn it over to someone else.... TOTALLY.

Hang tough, woman!

luckyzmom said...

Both my children were always perfectly behaved and never ever did any of those nasty things you mentioned. I think I must have a touch of Alzheimers!

crazymumma said...

silly you. cleaning your floors.

Christine said...

jen stole the words right outta my mouth.

but, yes, i already do this and the pay sucks. but the fringe benefits are wondrous.

CM said...

The pay does stink but the fringe benefits are awesome. (surprise "I love you"'s and kisses)

bgirl said...

gorgeous gorgeous girls. wow. seriously.

once again, your honesty and humor leave me feeling connected to you.

PrincessSteph said...

As i've said before - i'm in. The princess would love to come and hang out with the queens. I throw a pretty good temper tantrum myself if influenced, I make a mean mac and cheese and I have a whole bookshelf full of rude potty related humor kids books.....do I sound lilke I need my own kids??? Just call me MIT (Mother in Training) waiting for an assignment.